"I Love You"
what's so hard with saying those 3 words? especially if they can brighten up someone's day considerably? someone whom you know you care immensely about.... someone whom you feel for and think about a great deal. someone who's very special to you. someone whose happiness you feel is your responsibility to bring--- a responsibility which you take with a smile on your face cos it brings you happiness knowing that you can make her happy.
it must be the meaning behind those words. They aren't just something you can say with the sole purpose of making someone happier, no strings attached. there's a reason why it makes someone happier.... because there are implications behind those words. strong implications. perhaps my reluctance to say them stems from those implications... stems from not knowing what those implications are; not knowing if i really will mean what i say.
NO.
I DO know what Love is. i may not have been in many relationships, but i have lived in this world for 17 years now. and i've seen things. seen my parents doing things for each other. seen my parents doing things for me and my siblings. seen aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, strangers--- people ---doing things. saying things. i have come to see what love is about. and i have come to see what love isn't about. it isn't about selfish desires, or how it solely benefit you. Love is "not self-seeking", according to 1 Corinthians 13. I may not place as much credit on the bible's words as i used to, but i cannot refute the fact that it does indeed contain words of wisdom. like Paul's words on Love, which i have come to find, through my own experience, as valid. as truth. Love is not just about those warm, fuzzy feelings you feel whenever someone does something loving for you. yes, that's part of it... but it isn't what Love is all about. Love is knowing that you'd do those same things for that person. Love is about concern for the other. Love is about sacrifice. about doing things for the other that make her happy, even at your own expense. Love is about sharing the joy one of you has with the other. sharing the sorrow one of you has with the other. Sharing... such that your souls are interwined, that you feel for each other. that you care for one another.
I do know what Love is. and I do know that I Love Denise. not just because she makes feel whole... not just because she says things and does things for me that make happy... that make me complete. but because i strive to do those same things for her. because i want to make her happy... as happy as she's made me. quite something to live up to, considering what she's done to me. what she's done for me.
I Love this girl... yet i can't seem to say it. it's not because i'm afraid i won't mean what i say... because i do know i Love her. what stops me, then, from saying it? what stops me from saying those words which i'm dying to say- which she's dying to hear?
took another tickle test a couple of days ago. a gender identity one. i found out i was 78% feminine (ok, FINE, 81%). didn't come as a surprise, really. yeah, i would've liked to be more masculine.... but i knew that i had traits in me that were commonly associated with females. reliance on intuition, for one. sensitivity. i've known for a while now that i care for people's feelings a lot more than other guys. that i'm a lot more emotional than most guys. i began to realize that a while ago... and because of the all-male environment i was in, i tended to consciously suppress what i wanted to say--- what i mean to say--- because of fears that i'd be labelled overly-sentimental. that the stuff i said would be labelled cheesy. over time, i developed mechanisms that allowed me to naturally prevent myself from saying or doing such things. it's not a good thing, really... because a lot of what i do have to say isn't overly-sentimental. it isn't just emotion. it's the truth... it has meaning beyond emotion and feeling. things like "You are really special to me", which i choked over when saying it to Denise. things like "I Love You".
i realize this now. i realized this a while ago... that i couldn't say what i meant to say to her because of those mechanisms. which is why i told her i wanted to see her face-to-face... i wanted to confront those demons, those mechanisms when they'd be at their strongest. yeah, not over the phone.. but in real life. where my mind would constantly be thinking "that's the face of a person who's not going to get what you say" and "look at her. do you think she'll understand what i mean? is she gonna think me overly-sentimental?". it's irrational, obviously. Denise would understand what i mean, as evidence in the past has shown. and she probably isn't gonna think me overly-sentimental. yet i'm going to crack up when i see her. i'm going to feel a horrible sensation in my gut when i try to get those words out. because although i want to say those words, there's a part of me which stops me from doing so--- the part of me that's stopped me from saying such things in the past.
Denise doesn't have those demons, those mechanisms.... She has different ones. She meant it when she said she loved me. I didn't need those words to know that. those words were just reassurance. reassurance which has comforted me... reassurance which she lacks because i haven't said them to her. it must be especially painful for her, knowing that she's said those words and that i haven't returned them. What did i say in reply to her saying that she loved me? "okay, goodnight then". my GOD. what an idiot. i remember thinking those same things of ryan when he replied "thanks" to marrisa's "i love you" on the OC.... but now, i can empathise with his dilemma. it's hard to come up with something else to say other than "i love you too". what could i have said? I guess "I know" wouldn't have been too bad a response. that's what han solo said to leia in the Empire Strike Back, and things turned out pretty well for them. after he got released from the carbonite prison he was in, of course. yes, dammit, that's what i should've said. "I know". all these years of being a star wars fan, and i can't make one useful application of it in real-life.... sigh.
"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." and the truth is that I Love Denise, and i need to tell her that. to reassure her. but not for the sole sake of reassuring her... i need to tell her that because I mean it. and I know i mean it.
I need to see her again. soon. alone. to tell her. I'm gonna gather all my wits and say those 3 words. because i mean them. because I Love her.
it must be the meaning behind those words. They aren't just something you can say with the sole purpose of making someone happier, no strings attached. there's a reason why it makes someone happier.... because there are implications behind those words. strong implications. perhaps my reluctance to say them stems from those implications... stems from not knowing what those implications are; not knowing if i really will mean what i say.
NO.
I DO know what Love is. i may not have been in many relationships, but i have lived in this world for 17 years now. and i've seen things. seen my parents doing things for each other. seen my parents doing things for me and my siblings. seen aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, strangers--- people ---doing things. saying things. i have come to see what love is about. and i have come to see what love isn't about. it isn't about selfish desires, or how it solely benefit you. Love is "not self-seeking", according to 1 Corinthians 13. I may not place as much credit on the bible's words as i used to, but i cannot refute the fact that it does indeed contain words of wisdom. like Paul's words on Love, which i have come to find, through my own experience, as valid. as truth. Love is not just about those warm, fuzzy feelings you feel whenever someone does something loving for you. yes, that's part of it... but it isn't what Love is all about. Love is knowing that you'd do those same things for that person. Love is about concern for the other. Love is about sacrifice. about doing things for the other that make her happy, even at your own expense. Love is about sharing the joy one of you has with the other. sharing the sorrow one of you has with the other. Sharing... such that your souls are interwined, that you feel for each other. that you care for one another.
I do know what Love is. and I do know that I Love Denise. not just because she makes feel whole... not just because she says things and does things for me that make happy... that make me complete. but because i strive to do those same things for her. because i want to make her happy... as happy as she's made me. quite something to live up to, considering what she's done to me. what she's done for me.
I Love this girl... yet i can't seem to say it. it's not because i'm afraid i won't mean what i say... because i do know i Love her. what stops me, then, from saying it? what stops me from saying those words which i'm dying to say- which she's dying to hear?
took another tickle test a couple of days ago. a gender identity one. i found out i was 78% feminine (ok, FINE, 81%). didn't come as a surprise, really. yeah, i would've liked to be more masculine.... but i knew that i had traits in me that were commonly associated with females. reliance on intuition, for one. sensitivity. i've known for a while now that i care for people's feelings a lot more than other guys. that i'm a lot more emotional than most guys. i began to realize that a while ago... and because of the all-male environment i was in, i tended to consciously suppress what i wanted to say--- what i mean to say--- because of fears that i'd be labelled overly-sentimental. that the stuff i said would be labelled cheesy. over time, i developed mechanisms that allowed me to naturally prevent myself from saying or doing such things. it's not a good thing, really... because a lot of what i do have to say isn't overly-sentimental. it isn't just emotion. it's the truth... it has meaning beyond emotion and feeling. things like "You are really special to me", which i choked over when saying it to Denise. things like "I Love You".
i realize this now. i realized this a while ago... that i couldn't say what i meant to say to her because of those mechanisms. which is why i told her i wanted to see her face-to-face... i wanted to confront those demons, those mechanisms when they'd be at their strongest. yeah, not over the phone.. but in real life. where my mind would constantly be thinking "that's the face of a person who's not going to get what you say" and "look at her. do you think she'll understand what i mean? is she gonna think me overly-sentimental?". it's irrational, obviously. Denise would understand what i mean, as evidence in the past has shown. and she probably isn't gonna think me overly-sentimental. yet i'm going to crack up when i see her. i'm going to feel a horrible sensation in my gut when i try to get those words out. because although i want to say those words, there's a part of me which stops me from doing so--- the part of me that's stopped me from saying such things in the past.
Denise doesn't have those demons, those mechanisms.... She has different ones. She meant it when she said she loved me. I didn't need those words to know that. those words were just reassurance. reassurance which has comforted me... reassurance which she lacks because i haven't said them to her. it must be especially painful for her, knowing that she's said those words and that i haven't returned them. What did i say in reply to her saying that she loved me? "okay, goodnight then". my GOD. what an idiot. i remember thinking those same things of ryan when he replied "thanks" to marrisa's "i love you" on the OC.... but now, i can empathise with his dilemma. it's hard to come up with something else to say other than "i love you too". what could i have said? I guess "I know" wouldn't have been too bad a response. that's what han solo said to leia in the Empire Strike Back, and things turned out pretty well for them. after he got released from the carbonite prison he was in, of course. yes, dammit, that's what i should've said. "I know". all these years of being a star wars fan, and i can't make one useful application of it in real-life.... sigh.
"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." and the truth is that I Love Denise, and i need to tell her that. to reassure her. but not for the sole sake of reassuring her... i need to tell her that because I mean it. and I know i mean it.
I need to see her again. soon. alone. to tell her. I'm gonna gather all my wits and say those 3 words. because i mean them. because I Love her.
posted by antilles at 5:18 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home