i've seen this movie before

the one where the protagonist does his best to mend a failing relationship between his best friend and his girlfriend, speaking for his friend to the girl, consoling her whenever things weren't going well... drawing closer to her in the process, such that they discover a spark between them after that earlier relationship ends. they hit it off and end up together happily ever after. typical. so movie-like. yet it happened to me.

this movie of mine's got a twist, though. the protagonist's female companion discovers she's not mature enough to handle a relationship and balance it out with her studies at this stage. she discovers she's not able to commit to a relationship with the protagonist at this stage.

she discovers that she went further then she wanted to with the protagonist. just like she did with another earlier boyfriend.

the protagonist remembers the time she told him about how she didn't think her earlier relationship was God-centered. he remembers her telling him she thought it wasn't... right. it was too physical. the protagonist remembers promising to himself he wouldn't go down the same road... he wouldn't make the same mistake. he'd give her something she didn't get with her earlier relationship. he'd give her a real, guiltless, God-centered relationship. one where she wouldn't be confronted with questions about her maturity... questions as to whether she was mature enough to say 'No' and stop where they were. one where she could rest assured that this was what God wanted for her... one where she could rest assured that they were doing what was right in her Lord's eyes. one where she could rest assured that she'd be... happy. contented. for life.

i wanted to give Denise that. i wanted to make her happy. i wanted to give her something different from what Josh offered her. I wanted to make sure we didn't get too physical as she and Joshua did. I wanted to make sure we'd have a good relationship some time. a good relationship worthy of being called an adult one. not like one of those teenage romances with high school sweethearts that always happen to everyone. not something as.. meaningless and superficial as that. not something as unproductive as that. i wanted a good relationship. i wanted a long-term, fruitful relationship. i wanted to give her that.

but i failed. we didn't know where to stop, did we? we should've just stuck with watching episode V. i didn't want her to be confronted with questions of her maturity... or if she were to be confronted with them, i would've wanted her to have overcome those issues. not settling with having shortcomings in those areas, but rising to overcome those shortcomings. overcoming them together. but that didn't happen.

i've seen another movie.. this one where a guy and a girl who are in love with each other realize they can't be together for a while because of some problem. they work things out in the end, though, after a long wait. but the end result is worth it. they live happily ever after. typical. so movie-like. will it happen to me?

i love Denise. not in some sappy, teenage romance-like, puppy love, "she makes me feel sooo good" way.... but in the way I have come to understand what love really is. where we both genuinely feel care and concern for each other. where we both are there for each other whenever we need each other. where we both would do anything for each other. where we both had a connection that allowed that. a connection that could only grow with time.

I want to wait for her. I want to wait... for us to be able to be together again some time. for the opportunity to at least see how things go with the two of us.

I'm scared, though. because waits only have happy endings in movies. do waits ever yield successful relationships in real life? especially in JC?

especially since... I'm not sure if something like what happened this time around won't repeat itself. I'm not sure if a relationship between us was really meant to work out... if it will work out in spite of a wait.

am i going to wait? what does it mean to wait anyway? suffice to say, it's not as if i'm going to make myself available on the dating scene again. the thought never crossed my mind... i guess i'll be passively on the look-out, but that's no different from what i've been doing all along anyway. that's what everyone does all along anyway. passive observation.. for someone like Denise. for someone as special as Denise, if not more so. yeah, right, like i'm gonna be successful in that area. i've been on the look-out for a while. people like Denise don't come around very often, if ever more than once. i'll continue to be a friend to her, as best as I can be. not just because I still have hope for us, but because i will still consider her a friend, even if nothing happens in the end. I'll... hold out, i guess. focus on my studies too. focus on debate. focus on church. church.... and God.

but waiting is more than just holding out. it's waiting for something. holding out for something. is there something to wait for? is there hope for me and Denise? I want there to be hope, of course. I want it... badly. but I don't know if there is hope. I don't know if that's the way things work.


this is one movie i hope has a happy ending.


day one.

It all amounts to... what?

i don't know how to start. i don't know what to say.




Denise smsed me a couple of hours ago, saying she needed to talk to me about something. i was simulatenously excited and scared...excited because i figured this might be an opportunity for us to clear some things up between us.. things that had been causing me some anguish.. and scared because i was afraid of the worst. i was afraid that her relatively quiet, unlively attitude towards me of late had more substantial grounding than her being tired. i was afraid that her talk with Joshua resulted in somethings that would not be good for the two of us. i soon found out that these fears were justified. sort of.

She said a lot of things just now, over the phone. She said what we did in my room that time she came over reminder her of what she did with Joshua.. what she did with him that made her feel that their relationship was too physical. She said she thought we went too far. She said she always got into trouble with relationships, and that she thought wasn't mature enough to handle one at this stage.. to balance one with next year's workload, for she felt she'd either give one or the other more emphasis and neglect the other at different times. She said she wouldn't be able to give me what i wanted.


She said she wouldn't be able to commit. to me. to us.


I took it quite badly at first. I choked. I told her it was for the best, sure, but I choked. I asked what would happen to us. I asked what she wanted for us. She tossed the question back at me. I was hesitant.. stumbled over my words. Said I wanted what she wanted. Said I wouldn't have wanted a relationship if it would interfere with her studies.


I told her what i was thinking about what would happen to us.. about what i would do. A part of me wanted to wait.. the part of me which realized I loved her and wanted us to be together. The part of me wanted things to work out in the end.

There was another part of me which scoffed at that part. called it overly-sentimental and romanticist. claimed that noone waited for each other... especially at the JC stage. This part gave up hope. This part said it would never work out. This part was the skeptical side.. perhaps the practical side. perhaps the true side.

She cried. "There aren't enough tissues in this room", she said. I cried. "Couldn't stop all of them", I said. We cried.



Thank God for music. Thank God for Steelheart. for Steel Dragon. for Goo Goo Dolls. For Dashboard Confessional. For Bach. For the illusion of hope they offer. It's holding me together now...



I began to pull myself together. I began to become funny and light-hearted about things again. I began to put a front which did not reflect what i was feeling again. I told her it wasn't the end of the world. "You're gonna be going to Canada for holiday! You're going skiing!" I said cheerfully. "You're gonna put your focus on your studies next year and get your straight As!" A pause. Then one of those light-hearted semi-jokes I often say. "Yes... I can see it now. It's March 2006 and the Principal's just called your name on stage... alongside all those other top scorers. Make sure you wear something nice! They take photos for the school mag..."

I told her she'd turn out into a fine woman. That she'd get her As, get into the uni of her choice, get married, get her 3 kids and lead a good, productive life. That she'd die old and happy. "with special emphasis on that happy part!"

I said we'd remain friends for a long time. "I love you, Ben", she said. "I love you too, Denise", I whispered. And i meant it. She meant it. "and I'll always love you," I went on to say... "Even if only as a friend".

She said she wished she had that conversation in recording... "Minus the bit about the slave suit", she joked. "What?! That's the best part!" I replied, affecting horror. We went on to imagine Leow in a slave suit... (which, surprisingly, was NOT the low point of the conversation) ... discussed what I should do with my $50 Christmas money from Uncle Raymond... talked about other things. As friends do.


I wanted to ask her things. Like how she felt when I told her about all things I was scared of saying to her. Like how I was scared of saying I got slightly jealous of Joshua whenever the two of them apparently had some deep, private conversation. Like they did that night at the Worship Retreat, discussing when to tell me that she couldn't commit. Like how i was scared to tell her how I got hurt whenever I walked by her, tried to catch her eye and flash a smile... and she just ignored me. How I got hurt whenever it didnt seem that I was making her happy. When it seemed that she'd rather have someone else's company. I was scared to tell her because I didn't want her to know i was that sensitive... that emotional. I was scared she'd discover that I was too sensitive and emotional for her tastes.

I wanted to ask her how she felt about all that. but I didn't. I didn't want to swing the conversation back to talk about that. I wanted to continue to assure her with the promise of our continued friendship. I wanted to keep talking about the stuff friends did.

I told her not to cry. Not to feel sorry. Things were gonna be ok... we were gonna be friends. Everything was gonna be alright. Tried singing the Bob Marley song... didn't work out. "Curse my limited vocal range...."

She said i was a great guy. "A really great guy". I wish i were great enough for her. I wish I could've offered her something different than what she'd gone through with Josh. something that wouldn't have forced her to question her maturity. I wish i could be there for her.

And I will be there for her... as a friend.

I wish I hadn't done what we did that thursday afternoon. I wish we could've bypassed those temporary physical pleasures in favour of the greater good. I wish we'd just watched the Empire Strikes Back. It was the best of the trilogy, bloody hell. The best of the series. I wish we could've worked things out.


And now... I don't know how things are going to turn out. I want us to work out someday. I want us to be together in the end. But I fear that the rules of this cruel, harsh world will reign supreme, and that we'll amount to nothing more than a friendship and what could have been.

I DO know we will good friends. I will be as good a friend as there ever has been. As good a friend as I can. But beyond that... I don't know.










I love you, Denise. Even if only as a friend.

"I Love You"

what's so hard with saying those 3 words? especially if they can brighten up someone's day considerably? someone whom you know you care immensely about.... someone whom you feel for and think about a great deal. someone who's very special to you. someone whose happiness you feel is your responsibility to bring--- a responsibility which you take with a smile on your face cos it brings you happiness knowing that you can make her happy.

it must be the meaning behind those words. They aren't just something you can say with the sole purpose of making someone happier, no strings attached. there's a reason why it makes someone happier.... because there are implications behind those words. strong implications. perhaps my reluctance to say them stems from those implications... stems from not knowing what those implications are; not knowing if i really will mean what i say.

NO.

I DO know what Love is. i may not have been in many relationships, but i have lived in this world for 17 years now. and i've seen things. seen my parents doing things for each other. seen my parents doing things for me and my siblings. seen aunts and uncles, cousins, friends, strangers--- people ---doing things. saying things. i have come to see what love is about. and i have come to see what love isn't about. it isn't about selfish desires, or how it solely benefit you. Love is "not self-seeking", according to 1 Corinthians 13. I may not place as much credit on the bible's words as i used to, but i cannot refute the fact that it does indeed contain words of wisdom. like Paul's words on Love, which i have come to find, through my own experience, as valid. as truth. Love is not just about those warm, fuzzy feelings you feel whenever someone does something loving for you. yes, that's part of it... but it isn't what Love is all about. Love is knowing that you'd do those same things for that person. Love is about concern for the other. Love is about sacrifice. about doing things for the other that make her happy, even at your own expense. Love is about sharing the joy one of you has with the other. sharing the sorrow one of you has with the other. Sharing... such that your souls are interwined, that you feel for each other. that you care for one another.

I do know what Love is. and I do know that I Love Denise. not just because she makes feel whole... not just because she says things and does things for me that make happy... that make me complete. but because i strive to do those same things for her. because i want to make her happy... as happy as she's made me. quite something to live up to, considering what she's done to me. what she's done for me.

I Love this girl... yet i can't seem to say it. it's not because i'm afraid i won't mean what i say... because i do know i Love her. what stops me, then, from saying it? what stops me from saying those words which i'm dying to say- which she's dying to hear?

took another tickle test a couple of days ago. a gender identity one. i found out i was 78% feminine (ok, FINE, 81%). didn't come as a surprise, really. yeah, i would've liked to be more masculine.... but i knew that i had traits in me that were commonly associated with females. reliance on intuition, for one. sensitivity. i've known for a while now that i care for people's feelings a lot more than other guys. that i'm a lot more emotional than most guys. i began to realize that a while ago... and because of the all-male environment i was in, i tended to consciously suppress what i wanted to say--- what i mean to say--- because of fears that i'd be labelled overly-sentimental. that the stuff i said would be labelled cheesy. over time, i developed mechanisms that allowed me to naturally prevent myself from saying or doing such things. it's not a good thing, really... because a lot of what i do have to say isn't overly-sentimental. it isn't just emotion. it's the truth... it has meaning beyond emotion and feeling. things like "You are really special to me", which i choked over when saying it to Denise. things like "I Love You".

i realize this now. i realized this a while ago... that i couldn't say what i meant to say to her because of those mechanisms. which is why i told her i wanted to see her face-to-face... i wanted to confront those demons, those mechanisms when they'd be at their strongest. yeah, not over the phone.. but in real life. where my mind would constantly be thinking "that's the face of a person who's not going to get what you say" and "look at her. do you think she'll understand what i mean? is she gonna think me overly-sentimental?". it's irrational, obviously. Denise would understand what i mean, as evidence in the past has shown. and she probably isn't gonna think me overly-sentimental. yet i'm going to crack up when i see her. i'm going to feel a horrible sensation in my gut when i try to get those words out. because although i want to say those words, there's a part of me which stops me from doing so--- the part of me that's stopped me from saying such things in the past.

Denise doesn't have those demons, those mechanisms.... She has different ones. She meant it when she said she loved me. I didn't need those words to know that. those words were just reassurance. reassurance which has comforted me... reassurance which she lacks because i haven't said them to her. it must be especially painful for her, knowing that she's said those words and that i haven't returned them. What did i say in reply to her saying that she loved me? "okay, goodnight then". my GOD. what an idiot. i remember thinking those same things of ryan when he replied "thanks" to marrisa's "i love you" on the OC.... but now, i can empathise with his dilemma. it's hard to come up with something else to say other than "i love you too". what could i have said? I guess "I know" wouldn't have been too bad a response. that's what han solo said to leia in the Empire Strike Back, and things turned out pretty well for them. after he got released from the carbonite prison he was in, of course. yes, dammit, that's what i should've said. "I know". all these years of being a star wars fan, and i can't make one useful application of it in real-life.... sigh.

"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." and the truth is that I Love Denise, and i need to tell her that. to reassure her. but not for the sole sake of reassuring her... i need to tell her that because I mean it. and I know i mean it.

I need to see her again. soon. alone. to tell her. I'm gonna gather all my wits and say those 3 words. because i mean them. because I Love her.