It all amounts to... what?

i don't know how to start. i don't know what to say.




Denise smsed me a couple of hours ago, saying she needed to talk to me about something. i was simulatenously excited and scared...excited because i figured this might be an opportunity for us to clear some things up between us.. things that had been causing me some anguish.. and scared because i was afraid of the worst. i was afraid that her relatively quiet, unlively attitude towards me of late had more substantial grounding than her being tired. i was afraid that her talk with Joshua resulted in somethings that would not be good for the two of us. i soon found out that these fears were justified. sort of.

She said a lot of things just now, over the phone. She said what we did in my room that time she came over reminder her of what she did with Joshua.. what she did with him that made her feel that their relationship was too physical. She said she thought we went too far. She said she always got into trouble with relationships, and that she thought wasn't mature enough to handle one at this stage.. to balance one with next year's workload, for she felt she'd either give one or the other more emphasis and neglect the other at different times. She said she wouldn't be able to give me what i wanted.


She said she wouldn't be able to commit. to me. to us.


I took it quite badly at first. I choked. I told her it was for the best, sure, but I choked. I asked what would happen to us. I asked what she wanted for us. She tossed the question back at me. I was hesitant.. stumbled over my words. Said I wanted what she wanted. Said I wouldn't have wanted a relationship if it would interfere with her studies.


I told her what i was thinking about what would happen to us.. about what i would do. A part of me wanted to wait.. the part of me which realized I loved her and wanted us to be together. The part of me wanted things to work out in the end.

There was another part of me which scoffed at that part. called it overly-sentimental and romanticist. claimed that noone waited for each other... especially at the JC stage. This part gave up hope. This part said it would never work out. This part was the skeptical side.. perhaps the practical side. perhaps the true side.

She cried. "There aren't enough tissues in this room", she said. I cried. "Couldn't stop all of them", I said. We cried.



Thank God for music. Thank God for Steelheart. for Steel Dragon. for Goo Goo Dolls. For Dashboard Confessional. For Bach. For the illusion of hope they offer. It's holding me together now...



I began to pull myself together. I began to become funny and light-hearted about things again. I began to put a front which did not reflect what i was feeling again. I told her it wasn't the end of the world. "You're gonna be going to Canada for holiday! You're going skiing!" I said cheerfully. "You're gonna put your focus on your studies next year and get your straight As!" A pause. Then one of those light-hearted semi-jokes I often say. "Yes... I can see it now. It's March 2006 and the Principal's just called your name on stage... alongside all those other top scorers. Make sure you wear something nice! They take photos for the school mag..."

I told her she'd turn out into a fine woman. That she'd get her As, get into the uni of her choice, get married, get her 3 kids and lead a good, productive life. That she'd die old and happy. "with special emphasis on that happy part!"

I said we'd remain friends for a long time. "I love you, Ben", she said. "I love you too, Denise", I whispered. And i meant it. She meant it. "and I'll always love you," I went on to say... "Even if only as a friend".

She said she wished she had that conversation in recording... "Minus the bit about the slave suit", she joked. "What?! That's the best part!" I replied, affecting horror. We went on to imagine Leow in a slave suit... (which, surprisingly, was NOT the low point of the conversation) ... discussed what I should do with my $50 Christmas money from Uncle Raymond... talked about other things. As friends do.


I wanted to ask her things. Like how she felt when I told her about all things I was scared of saying to her. Like how I was scared of saying I got slightly jealous of Joshua whenever the two of them apparently had some deep, private conversation. Like they did that night at the Worship Retreat, discussing when to tell me that she couldn't commit. Like how i was scared to tell her how I got hurt whenever I walked by her, tried to catch her eye and flash a smile... and she just ignored me. How I got hurt whenever it didnt seem that I was making her happy. When it seemed that she'd rather have someone else's company. I was scared to tell her because I didn't want her to know i was that sensitive... that emotional. I was scared she'd discover that I was too sensitive and emotional for her tastes.

I wanted to ask her how she felt about all that. but I didn't. I didn't want to swing the conversation back to talk about that. I wanted to continue to assure her with the promise of our continued friendship. I wanted to keep talking about the stuff friends did.

I told her not to cry. Not to feel sorry. Things were gonna be ok... we were gonna be friends. Everything was gonna be alright. Tried singing the Bob Marley song... didn't work out. "Curse my limited vocal range...."

She said i was a great guy. "A really great guy". I wish i were great enough for her. I wish I could've offered her something different than what she'd gone through with Josh. something that wouldn't have forced her to question her maturity. I wish i could be there for her.

And I will be there for her... as a friend.

I wish I hadn't done what we did that thursday afternoon. I wish we could've bypassed those temporary physical pleasures in favour of the greater good. I wish we'd just watched the Empire Strikes Back. It was the best of the trilogy, bloody hell. The best of the series. I wish we could've worked things out.


And now... I don't know how things are going to turn out. I want us to work out someday. I want us to be together in the end. But I fear that the rules of this cruel, harsh world will reign supreme, and that we'll amount to nothing more than a friendship and what could have been.

I DO know we will good friends. I will be as good a friend as there ever has been. As good a friend as I can. But beyond that... I don't know.










I love you, Denise. Even if only as a friend.